Hobbies, Jobs, Career & Vocation

I’m a little embarrassed about how little I’ve distinguished between these things, until now. I never really gave it much thought. But my brain is always busy, and now I have so much more to think about.

I participate in activities every day, but I feel guilty and like I should be doing more. On a daily basis, I get lost in my own thoughts and I spent a lot of time living in my own head. Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about a specific dream I had. Sometimes I have these viscerally painful dreams that ruin my entire day. I wish I were stronger, emotionally, and able to shut these negative feelings down. I’m working on it, but it’s a constant work in progress.

I’ll have a dream, a nightmare really, that my “mother” is near me, and I feel the oppressive, dark, heaviness of childhood. I feel her screaming and yelling and slapping; I feel the pain of living beneath her storm cloud. The narcissistic personality should never have children. Tell your friends. If you know a narcissist, sterilize them. Seriously.

These dreams infiltrate my entire life for the entire day. I feel depressed and empty and anxious. Panicky, even. The idea of being under her thumb; of dealing with her abuse all over again…I can’t fucking bear it.

Better days are when a dream is insignificant — although really, that hardly ever happens. I’m a lucid dreamer so I’m aware and can control things, so it’s a very real experience. It’s memorable. Sometimes I have such an amazing dream that even that can have a sort of negative effect on my day. I feel sad that I’m spending my day wishing a dream was real.

But on a regular day, what do I do…. I walk my dog; I write; I colour (I love colouring; always have, always will); I read, when I can find the time and concentration. But my choice in books can impact me too. I’ve had a fascination with World War II and the Holocaust ever since I read Anne Frank’s diary when I was 12. It was, and is, so unbelievable and fucked up and insane. I’ve read countless memoirs and biographies and books about concentration camps. I have not, and will never, read Mein Kampf. Fuck that guy and his ideas.

These are weekdays, so I spend majority of my time taking care of my daughter. We play and colour and go for walks; we go shopping and read books for her. When she’s awake, I try to devote all of my time to her. Now that she’s a little older, she can do things by herself, but she still needs me. I can’t just say, ‘Hey, go play so I can read/write/have time for me.’ She’s not that old.

Weekends are where I can find time for me. It’s hard. I’m a very solitary person and I love my time alone, so adjusting to being a mom has been so crazy for me. I never had a motherly role model in my life. I’ve had to learn how to be an amazing mother to my baby because that’s who I wanted to be. I refused to perpetuate the hell I grew up in. My daughter will never feel what I felt. She already does and always will know that she is amazing and special and adored. I’m not raising an asshole here, but I’m raising a beautiful person to know that yes, she is beautiful and smart and sweet and incredible — but she’s not better than anyone. She may be my world, but she can’t walk around thinking she’s hot shit and other people are scum. No. I focus on kindness and compassion and positive reinforcement. I will never scream at or hit or abuse my  child. She is my miracle baby and I will never forget how lucky I am to have her.

If I could add more things to my activities, I wish I could read more and write more and travel more. I love reading a book for hours. It’s hard to put one down because my baby wakes up; it’s hard to close a great book!

I wish I had more time for photography, and a better camera. I would love to have a really nice Canon or the new Sony DSLR. I love taking pictures. I feel like I could make a career out of it, but I don’t have the money to buy the nice equipment right now.

I wish I exercised more. I think it would help me feel better on several fronts. It helps with depression, it helps with confidence. I wouldn’t say no to help in either of those departments. I’m still carrying about 10 pounds of pregnancy weight that makes me feel like I’m built like a bag of milk who can’t fit into her favourite jeans. Still. Eighteen months later.

I am a work in progress.

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3 thoughts on “Hobbies, Jobs, Career & Vocation

  1. You’re an inspiration. You return love in place of hatred. You made a better version of you out of the worst days you walked through in an early age.

    But i hope you’ve forgiven your own mother. If it wasn’t for her, you wouldn’t be who you are now. Love her for who she is because at the end of the day, you wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for her. And you can’t change her title on your life. She’ll always be your mom. 😊 Have a nice day.

    Like

    • Thanks, Jiev. There are a LOAD of other circumstances involving my mother. We haven’t spoken in six years, and it’s for the best. For me, I do feel that “mom” is a title that’s earned. She never wanted children (told us often), and now she has none. She’s cut everyone except for one uncle and one cousin out of her life. So that’s what it is. She’s not my mom. She’s my mother, sure. But not my mom.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I respect your decision. And from your perspective, I see that she had scarred you for life. Thanks for sharing your story. Now I want to become a better mother if ever given a chance to have a family of my own because I know the hurt of a child not having a mother at all even if she’s present.

        Liked by 1 person

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